Car Alf - it happens with Fords, too

Goaty Steve is convinced that my motoring trouble is down to me being something of an enthusiast for British cars and that I have owned only Rovers and MGs. After the last few weeks with Mrs Alf's Fiesta I still feel that my claim that MG-Rovers are no less or more troublesome than their French or Italian mass-produced counterparts is entirely justified.

The Fiesta's central locking went on the blink recently. When the driver's door was open the central locking would cycle dementedly until the door was closed. Mrs Alf took the car (an increasingly shabby looking '97 model and, with 2 kids, an interior like Goaty Steve's underpants) to the local garage and also asked them to check the front brakes because of an odd noise. In true Alf fashion the central locking was going to cost £150 just to investigate (as each door would have to be stripped to check the actuators) so it was decided to simply deactivate the driver's door mechanism. So, £184 later, with 2 new front discs, the driver's door lock still doesn't work even with the key although the constant cycling of the mechanism has been halted.

Then the speedometer stopped working. I took the car in again after we returned from the Easter break at the in-laws. TFD spent 4 days in kennels as the FiL, quite reasonably, won't allow him in his house. TFD had obviously barked himself insensible with the other dogs so that he was hoarse and could only make a pathetically funny honking sound. There is some justice in this world after all.

I noticed that the engine temperature of the Fiesta was a little high (yet another recent fix) when collecting TFD. Of course he's not allowed in my car! I checked the oil and saw it was a little on the low side which probably explained it, so topped it up the next morning and gave the car a quick road test before dropping it off again at the garage.

And so the inevitable phone call.

"The speedo cable is broken so you'll need a new one of those. That'll be £100 including fitting. Plus VAT."

I hardly have time to splutter in outrage before the next bombshell.

"And if the speedo hub itself has gone, which we won't know until we strip all the dash off to replace the cable, that will be around £234."

"What, including the cable?"

"No, that's just the new hub. And there is a bracket loose on the exhaust that needs replacing."

Silent screams of pain.

"Oh, and when did you last check your oil?"

"Why this morning!" I declared proudly.

"Ah, well, the oil filler cap's missing and it's sprayed oil all round the engine compartment."

Frankly one of my better self-inflicted Alfs. Against all the usual Alf-form it turned out that it was just a broken speedo cable that needed replacing meaning I got away with around £150.

Including a new oil filler cap.